Giving Thanks

On this day before Thanksgiving, I figured I could take a few minutes to give thanks.

I am thankful for my husband. Sometimes it seems as if he irritates me to no end, but he is a good guy with a caring heart and I know he loves me and the family we have created. I am thankful that he can make me laugh. I am thankful that he works an on call tow truck driving job and a little weekly paper route on top of his regular job to help make extra money. Doing all of these jobs means less time he can spend with us, yet he never complains...he is happy to be able to be helping make ends meet. When it gets tough, we always say that "someday it will not be like this, and money will not be such an issue", and we just keep going from there.

I am thankful for my kids. Milton is a happy little ball of energy and you cannot be in a bad mood around him. He just makes you smile. Britta is such a sweet little baby that loves to snuggle. I can't wait to see what she is like as she gets older and develops her little personality. Kids are time consuming, but are so worth it. I am blessed to have two healthy kids that are also good kids.

I am thankful for my career. I got it started much later in life than I had planned, but I did it. I am thee and can only go up from here. I am thankful for the firm I work for and all of the people there. They are amazing. It feels more like a little family than a job. The people lift each other up and support each other, everyone wants everyone else to do well. That is uncommon in many work places these days. The work is challenging and engaging. I never dread going to work on a Monday morning. . .Sundays are no longer depressing thinking about Smithers week of work. I am truly lucky to have found a career that I love and a place to work that I love.

I am thankful for my wonderful friends and all of my family members. I am blessed to have these people in my life. I am thankful for so much, just like anyone is. I hope you can take a moment to reflect on what you are most thankful for this holiday season.

The Hardest Thing

I know there have been millions of babies born and millions of parents that have experienced the sleep deprivation that comes with a newborn. I knew all about it going in. But with Milton, he slept through the night the first night we brought him home from the hospital...he was such a sound sleeper that he would not even wake upon getting hungry. I ended up having to set an alarm for the middle of the night to wake and feed him...that surely did not constitute as sleep deprivation as I know it now...

Enter Britta. Before she was born I was hoping that I would not have to set an alarm to wake her up at night to feed...I was hoping she would do what babies do and just wake up when she needed to eat. I take it back!!!! At least with Milton I knew I was going to get a solid 4 hours of sleep, get up for about 45 minutes, and then back to bed for another 4 hours. Britta is totally unpredictable...what I can predict is that at about 9:00 p.m. she wakes up and wants to stay up. She also wants to eat about every hour for two or three hours. And she likes to pretend that she is sleeping in your arms after those few hours, so you set her down, turn off the light and climb into bed oh so quietly, and right when you think 'ok I am going to get some sleep'...BAM the crying starts...and not just little fussy cries, full on screaming 'how could you lay me in this cold pack n play???' and you pick her up and she just wants to be held...eyes wide open, but at least she is quiet.

So this has been my life for the last three weeks. Running on 4 hours of broken sleep. I still have to get up at 5:30 or 6:00 to make sure Mike gets up and off to work on time. People tell me to sleep when the baby sleeps. I say it's not that simple. During the day I have 3 hours give or take between feedings, between the time she will wake herself up to eat. I have never been a napper, I find it extremely difficult to nap during the day. Sleeping is reserved for night time. And it doesn't matter how little sleep I got, I just cannot nap. Being home on maternity leave also makes me feel like I should be able to get all of the routine cleaning and laundry done, as well as extra projects I wouldn't have time for. I blame that on the perception that American moms can care for their kids, tend to the housework, nurture a marriage and work full time all on their own. I never realized how true that is until having kids. Just as a woman you feel you should be able to do it all, add becoming a mom and that feeling increases threefold. And there is no time for yourself, and you don't even consider taking time for yourself, you feel guilty. I feel guilty when I cannot get the normal cleaning done. I need to work on that. I did actually plan to take some time for myself on this leave and I have appointments for a haircut and a pedicure. But I know I will feel guilty and anxious to get back to the homestead while I am at those appointments. I just can't help it.

Back to the issue of no sleep, which was the point of this post. It's freaking hard. I am very worried about how I will function once I get back to work in a few weeks. A couple nights this past week she has slept for a stretch of 5 hours at night but it's been from 10 to 3, so I am still getting up in the middle of the night to feed and not feeling rested when I have to get up for the day. I told Mike last night that the sleep deprivation is so hard that had Milton been like this, I don't know if I would have had another baby. Mike sometimes helps overnight but he has his own issues with sleep and needs to use a c-pap machine so that makes things difficult for getting his help. I would almost rather he got his sleep so he was not crabby during the day when I can use his help more. I can be sleep deprived and not bitch about it, him, not so much and it's something I don't care to hear about from him when I have had two hours of sleep and he got up to change a diaper once at 1.

In the middle of the night when she is up, I just tell myself that it will not be like this forever and am thankful she is not screaming and that we are getting extra cuddle time. Which is very hard to do in that blur of being half awake. During the day I just drink my coffee and carry on and keep busy...

2 Kids Sleeping

I know it's been quite awhile since I graced this blog with my thoughts but give me a break...I have been busy cooking baby number 2!!! Yes, I am the mom of two kids now. Which when I stop and think about it, really think about it, I cannot believe it. And they are both sleeping right now and this is how I m spending the blissful quiet. To be fair, I was already online looking up chicken recipes since I am in charge of dinner tonight, the one night a week when the hubby is on call and I get to be in charge of dinner. . .most usually it's "Can you pick up (insert fast food restaurant here) on your way home from the tow?" (he drives tow truck on call Thursday nights.) But I am getting of track here...

The point of this post is that I have two kids before the age of 31... Yes 31 is only about two months away but still. Forever I thought I would have all three of the kids I wanted by the age of 25. Yes you read that right, 25!!!!! So I had apparently planned on being married by like 20 years old. . .not that there is really anything wrong with either scenario, but for me it would have been hell. At 20 I had the worst boyfriend I had my whole life, but he was so hot, and I obviously didn't see how bad he treated me...I didn't see that until he mysteriously just disappeared and then after a couple of weeks of no contact he had his new girlfriend calling and texting me about how great their sex was. Ugh. Via facebook stalking I found out they ended up getting married...I am SO glad I dodged that bullet with him. I was also working at Cub Foods part time...certainly neither situation would have been conducive to trying to raise a child.

I remember when 25 came and went and I thought I was so old and that time was running out for getting married and having kids. I think Mike and I had been together for a couple of years at that point but marriage was still a little ways off and kids...I was so worried about being the oldest mom! It is funny the path that life takes. You can make all of these plans and ideas and timelines and it almost never seems to work out the way you plan. Yet we all continue to keep making theses timelines for ourselves. I didn't get my career started nearly as early as I would have liked, but the point is that it happened. Same thing with the kids, they happened right when they were supposed to. I apparently wasn't supposed to have three kids by 25...maybe three will happen by 35 if that's what we end up deciding. And the point to all of this being that there is no way I was ready for marriage or kids or home ownership when I was 20...with everything I know now at 30 that I didn't at 20, I would have been a train wreck and probably very unhappy that I had "missed out" on my 20's. And I don't say any of this to offend anyone whose life took a path similar to what I thought I wanted, I am just saying that for me, I am so happy that life has worked itself out on its own and not followed the timeline that I thought would be good for me. 30 certainly is not old and life is not over...it is just beginning again, providing for and nurturing my two little ones and I would not have wanted it any other way.

Finding the Balance

It has been almost a year now since Milton came into this world and changed my life forever. The last year has been full of ups and downs but overall, he has changed my life for the better.

I think I fell out of blogging when I was diagnosed with post-partum depression. I did not get it instantly after he was born. It took a couple of months but I knew something was not right. I just was not myself. I found myself absolutely HATING nursing and pumping and anything that had to do with my boobs being associated with food for the baby. As soon as he would finish nursing, I couldn't hand him off to Mike fast enough and I dreaded feeding time every single time. And I didn't understand how other women loved it and thought of it as special bonding time and actually looked forward to it. I couldn't stand it. I was only doing it for the nutritional value that it served Milton. I didn't care that it would help me lose weight or any of the other benefits that it provided for me, I just hated it and could never figure out why.

I was also angry all of the time. I did have a few times where I would be sad and cry for what seemed to be no reason, but I was more angry than anything. Not 'hurt the baby' angry or anything like that, just overall in general angry with life. I remember on several occasions saying to Mike "Where's the joy in all of this? I don't get it." And I really didn't. I thought the baby had taken my life away from me. No more crafts and hobbies when I wanted to, no more hanging out with friends on the drop of hat, hell, I couldn't even get to the gym on a normal schedule. And I had understood that when I got pregnant but the feeling was magnified once he was here. I kept asking myself 'what was so special about all of this?' because I really didn't see it. And everyone was constantly telling me how blessed I was with such a sweet baby and how perfect he was and didn't I just love being a mother? It was so difficult because at that point I really didn't, but I just smiled and agreed and kept on.

At first I had no idea that I was acting or feeling any different than normal. Mike started to mention things and point out things I was saying but I just brushed it off as being crabby while my hormones tried to regulate themselves back to normal. And as patient as Mike is, he kept quietly persisting that maybe something was wrong more than that. Maybe I should go back to the Dr. and just see. "But I have already been to my 6 week post partum checkup and I passed the depression test" was always my answer. What mother wants to admit that yes, maybe I do have post-partum depression. . .in what is supposed to be the most wonderful time of my life, I have post-partum depression. How could that even be?

After having a melt-down at work and talking with one my close friends and mentors there, I decided that maybe I should go back to the Dr and see what was wrong because I was NOT myself and people at work were noticing. When I made the appointment that afternoon, they asked what the nature of my visit was going to be and I said "I think I might have post-partum depression." There was silence on the other end for a minute and then she told me I was doing a brave thing by coming in.

I will never, ever, ever forget what the receptionist said to me that day I went back into the Dr. She was collecting my insurance card and verifying my address and then in a hushed tone she said "I can't help but notice why you are here today. . .I have to tell you that I am proud of you and that this is the single best thing you will do for you and your baby." She was probably in her mid 60's and she continued, "looking back, I believe I had post-partum depression with all three of my children. . .but back in my day you could NOT talk about it at all, much less get it treated. So for the first three years of my kid's lives, I despised being a mother and missed out on the joy of all of those milestones and spending the time loving them. You will be so glad that you did this." That definitely gave me some reassurance that it was Ok to admit this problem was plaguing me and I was doing the right thing telling my Dr. And sure enough, I failed the depression test this time and in describing my feelings the Dr told me I had a text book case of post-partum depression.

So I had to establish "me" time again which translated to the gym for me so we worked out a schedule so I could get back there. We started doing regular monthly date nights where we aren't allowed to talk about Milton and money and bills and anything like that, it is a time to focus on us because before Milton there was an us. And of course I was given an anti-depressant to help get my hormones back in check. And it all did work in time.

Making that appointment WAS the single best thing I did for myself and Milton, and even for Mike. He had to sit and watch me completely change and couldn't do anything to fix me. That had to be so difficult for him. I am so lucky to have found him.

Motherhood is an extreme privilege and I am SO happy that I get to be the mother to such a wonderful little boy. He has brightened our world in so many ways, I can't imagine that we had a life without him. To be able to watch him grow and learn and develop his little personality has been completely wonderful. There is nothing else like being a parent, it really is magical sometimes.

I wanted to share my experience with post-partum depression because it is Ok to talk about it and it is Ok to be treated for it. It doesn't make you less of a mom, I think recognizing something isn't right and taking care of it, makes you more of a mom. After all, every little thing you do is ultimately for your kids, even if that means taking the time to care for yourself. If anyone else out there is struggling with post-partum depression, do not be afraid to speak out to your friends and family and make that phone call to the Dr. Also, I found a lot of solace in Brooke Shield's book: Down Came the Rain. There is hope and there is a way out of the depression, you just have to come to realization that you need help, and that it is OK to ask for it.

Now The Work Begins

I had my 6 week post partum check up yesterday. Everything has healed correctly and looks good so I am cleared to do more exercise than just walking. Woohoo! I am actually very excited for this. Over the course of the pregnancy I put on 60 lbs. After the baby was born I just kind of lost 25 lbs in those first two weeks and then kind of steadied out. So now I have 35 lbs to lose to get to pre-pregnancy weight and that is my first goal. Then I think I will like to lose 5 or 10 more pounds after that, but I will worry about that when I get to my first goal. I am hoping to start getting back into the gym today. We can't utilize the on-site daycare the gym has until Milton turns 3 months old. So I have to try to convince Mike to stay home for an hour or so so I can go up there. I don't think he is a fan of us going separately for now but that is what has to be done. I've actually been trying to get up there for the last couple weeks just to walk but he always has something come up that he has to do so I can't go. It has been pretty frustrating actually. I will just keep trying I guess. I am uncomfortable at this weight and am not going to buy any new clothes, I want to fit into the clothes I already have!! I will get there!

Feeding Time

So right now I am locked in our bedroom typing this. Yes, I put myself in here. My husband is currently feeding our son with a bottle. Since he was born I have breastfed him exclusively. There has been frustration and tears on both ends but in the last few weeks we have seemed to get it down to a science. Occasionally Milt will still kind of goof around and wiggle all over the place before getting down to business but this has turned into our special little time. Mike will get up in the middle of the night to sit next to me and help with burping and once in awhile during the day he will sit with us also. But its still special bonding time for us. At Milt's two week appointment, the pediatrician said to introduce a bottle around 4-5 weeks so the baby will be more apt to take it when Mom is away or back to work. When we left the appointment that day Mike proclaimed how excited he was to get to be able to feed the baby. That was the point I realized how special feeding the baby was and have cherished it ever since. Well now that summer is upon us, there are graduation parties and festivals to be had and it would be nice to be able to have the flexibility of bringing some pumped milk and a bottle and be able to be out for more than 3 hours at a time, without having to find a private place to park and feed in the backseat of the Murano. So we decided that Mike would try feeding Milt with the bottle. So that time is now. I started crying! I didn't think I would have this reaction at all! Mike offered to not feed him with the bottle today but I told him that we should probably just see how it goes. So they are sitting out in the living room and I am in here typing this. I think more than anything I am worried that Milton will take to the bottle because it might be less work and then refuse the breast. Then our special little time will be gone. The only reason I say the bottle might be less work is because it might remind him of the nipple shield the hospital gave me the first day I was in there. Number one, it was way too big for his little mouth and number two, I came to find out I didn't even need it. It made him a lazy eater. . .he would let the milk puddle up in the shield and then it would trickle into his mouth until there was enough to swallow and then he would do that. Very little suckling went on when I was using the shield, but lots of swallowing. Hopefully the bottle's nipple does not do damage to the feeding we have already established! I know I should consider myself lucky that I have been able to exclusively breastfeed up until this point with little problem because I know a lot of women for whatever reason or another, cannot do so. Or they have to pump every 2-3 hours to keep their supply up. At least my baby is getting the breast milk, whether its au natural or via bottle. That's the important thing. Well, they just came in here to report the feeding went well and Milton is very sleepy. . .we will see what happens at the next feeding when we go back to me feeding. . .

I'm a Mom!

I finally have some time to write! :) Milton Percy Swanson was born on May 1st at 2:20 P.M. He weighed 6 lbs (take that gestational diabetes, that they decided I didn't really have) and was 19 inches long. He is perfect! On my due date, April 30th, I felt like I still had weeks to go, even tho my Dr had said he wouldn't let me go much beyond April 30th. I actually had an appointment scheduled for May 3rd to have an ultrasound to check the amniotic fluid level and then have a fetal stress test done, and then from there we were going to make a plan for inducing me. Dr. Hirt was absolutely certain that we would not need that appointment, that I would have the baby over the weekend. So that Thursday, the 29th, I was still at 4 cm and he stripped the membranes again and said I was pretty much ready to go, we were just wating on baby. Mike and I decided we would make some plans for that weekend, the 30th was a Friday, and plan on having that baby the first week of May. So that Friday night we did something we haven't done in a long time, went out on a Friday night dinner date. And I'm talking the whole shebang, where we decided to go out to dinner at 7:00 and got to the Cheesecake Factory at 7:30 and were told the wait would be 50 minutes. Our usual 'going out to eat' is getting a Papa Murphy's pizza to bring home so this was a big deal. Dinner was fantastic and we stuffed ourselves and got home and to bed by 11:00. The plan for Saturday, May 1st, was to help Bachmann's celebrate their 125th year anniversary and go get in line for a free tomato plant that they were going to give out to the first 500 people at each location and then go try a McDonald's Mocha Frappe (which I still haven't tried now that I think about it!) and then clear out the gardens the rest of the weekend and get them ready for veggies and flowers. Well the baby foiled that plan! I woke up at 6 AM on Saturday with what I thought was a stomach ache. I went to the bathroom thinking that would relieve the pressure I was feeling and it didn't. I went to the bathroom 2 more times between 6 and 6:30 and nothing changed. I was feeling some pressure and a big stomach ache, but it wasn't a stomach ache. It would be present and then every few minutes it would intensify for a minute or so and then level off. I started timing the intense moments on the stopwatch on my phone and they were about 30-45 seconds. I was having contractions!!!! Finally I could feel them! So I woke Mike up and said there is going to be a baby today. At 7:00 I decided I better hurry up and take a shower and get my hair straightened. To hell with make up but I wanted my hair straight so I could I get it up in a pony if I needed to. The contractions started intensifying. Mike looked like he didn't know what to do. He kept rubbing my back and asking if there was anything else he could do but that was enough, that really helped. Herbie came and sat by me and I could tell that he could tell something was not right, what a sweet doggie. Mike started timing the contractions and they were 2-3 minutes apart and about 30 seconds in length. We probably could have called the Dr at 8:00 but we waited until 8:30. . .we wanted to be sure that once we got the green light to go to the hospital, that we would be able to stay there. We got the OK to go to the hospital and that 15 minute car ride was the most uncomfortable, second only to when my gallbladder attacked and we had a 5 minute car ride from Baja Sol to Dad's to wait for the ambulance, and longest feeling ride. Mike had to use the wheel chair and wheel me into the hospital. It was 9:00 when the nurse in triage checked me and I was at a 5 with a "bulging water sack" and when we walked from the triage to my room, I felt something start to trickle down my leg. They had me use the bathroom and my water broke right into the toilet when I sat down. When I came out and got set up on the bed, I told the nurses and they checked the pad and there was some brown. . .the baby had passed his first bowel movement inside the womb. . .meconium. I felt horrible. I had been worried about meconium most of the pregnancy because I had been quite stressed at certain points, especially at the end. They assured me it would be no big deal, the only thing was that they would do everything in their power NOT to let the baby cry when he came out so they would have a chance to get tubing into him in order to suck out the meconium before he swallowed any of it. By 10:00 I had received my epidural and it was wonderful. The pain of the contractions completely went away. I was pretty much just laying in the hospital bed talking to the nurses and Mike. Mike and I had made a plan long before I even got to the hospital that we would not tell anyone we were at the hospital until after the baby was born. Neither one of us wanted the extra stress of a lot of extra people waiting around for the baby. We did call Emily because she is the Godmother and if I couldn't have my Mom there, Emily was the next best thing. She's been thru a lot with me and I wanted her there. So at 10:30 they checked my cervix again and I was already between a 7 and an 8. This baby was not wasting any time! At 1:05 I started pushing and the baby was born at 2:20 p.m. The whole labor and pushing experience was nothing like I thought it was going to be. I'd been bulking up on episodes of "Teen Mom" and all of those girls made labor/pushing look unberable. The nurses kept telling me that I was having a really fast labor and that I was a strong pusher so maybe that was the difference for me. The whole time from 6 AM to 2:20 PM when he arrived went by so fast. It was surreal when he was finally out and they placed him on my chest for a minute while Mike cut the cord. I have my own baby! Then it was a little nerve racking while they were sucking the meconium out and then when they were finished, the baby did not make a sound. I couldn't see him but I could here one of the nurses going "Come on buddy!" and the look on Emily's face was of sheer worry and then Mike turned around and he was smiling as big as could be so I decided I could not gauge what was going on from those two totally different looks. Later Mike said he could see the baby moving his arms all over so he knew he was OK and from her vantage point, Emily could not. So that explained those looks. After what seemed like forever, this tiny little shriek came out and he was crying! The sound made me cry, it was so small and cute. After we got all done with delivery and got up to our recovery room we started making the phone calls. We just had two visitors on Saturday night which was nice and then we were bombarded on Sunday, and practically everyone showed up all at once. I was exhausted come Monday. The first week home was really rough, I had a really bad case of the baby blues so I couldn't really enjoy anything. I was just really sad and/or irritable. Mike was great and super supportive during that time which really helped. The second week home, Mike was laid off and reduced to on call, commission only work. Which was really bad timing and really good timing all at once. It has been really nice having him home with me and helping me out with things and just giving the three of us a lot of time to bond. These last couple weeks we have been working really hard on establishing a routine and Milton is finally starting to wake himself up during the day when he wants to eat so that is really nice. He still will sleep thru the night, for 8 hours if I let him, but since he's still pretty small (only in the 2nd percentile for weight) I have to wake him up in the middle of the night to eat. Mike usually gets up to help change diapers and burp between breasts so that really helps and makes me feel like I'm not doing it all myself. Hopefully now I will be able to write more often!!!