Finding the Balance

It has been almost a year now since Milton came into this world and changed my life forever. The last year has been full of ups and downs but overall, he has changed my life for the better.

I think I fell out of blogging when I was diagnosed with post-partum depression. I did not get it instantly after he was born. It took a couple of months but I knew something was not right. I just was not myself. I found myself absolutely HATING nursing and pumping and anything that had to do with my boobs being associated with food for the baby. As soon as he would finish nursing, I couldn't hand him off to Mike fast enough and I dreaded feeding time every single time. And I didn't understand how other women loved it and thought of it as special bonding time and actually looked forward to it. I couldn't stand it. I was only doing it for the nutritional value that it served Milton. I didn't care that it would help me lose weight or any of the other benefits that it provided for me, I just hated it and could never figure out why.

I was also angry all of the time. I did have a few times where I would be sad and cry for what seemed to be no reason, but I was more angry than anything. Not 'hurt the baby' angry or anything like that, just overall in general angry with life. I remember on several occasions saying to Mike "Where's the joy in all of this? I don't get it." And I really didn't. I thought the baby had taken my life away from me. No more crafts and hobbies when I wanted to, no more hanging out with friends on the drop of hat, hell, I couldn't even get to the gym on a normal schedule. And I had understood that when I got pregnant but the feeling was magnified once he was here. I kept asking myself 'what was so special about all of this?' because I really didn't see it. And everyone was constantly telling me how blessed I was with such a sweet baby and how perfect he was and didn't I just love being a mother? It was so difficult because at that point I really didn't, but I just smiled and agreed and kept on.

At first I had no idea that I was acting or feeling any different than normal. Mike started to mention things and point out things I was saying but I just brushed it off as being crabby while my hormones tried to regulate themselves back to normal. And as patient as Mike is, he kept quietly persisting that maybe something was wrong more than that. Maybe I should go back to the Dr. and just see. "But I have already been to my 6 week post partum checkup and I passed the depression test" was always my answer. What mother wants to admit that yes, maybe I do have post-partum depression. . .in what is supposed to be the most wonderful time of my life, I have post-partum depression. How could that even be?

After having a melt-down at work and talking with one my close friends and mentors there, I decided that maybe I should go back to the Dr and see what was wrong because I was NOT myself and people at work were noticing. When I made the appointment that afternoon, they asked what the nature of my visit was going to be and I said "I think I might have post-partum depression." There was silence on the other end for a minute and then she told me I was doing a brave thing by coming in.

I will never, ever, ever forget what the receptionist said to me that day I went back into the Dr. She was collecting my insurance card and verifying my address and then in a hushed tone she said "I can't help but notice why you are here today. . .I have to tell you that I am proud of you and that this is the single best thing you will do for you and your baby." She was probably in her mid 60's and she continued, "looking back, I believe I had post-partum depression with all three of my children. . .but back in my day you could NOT talk about it at all, much less get it treated. So for the first three years of my kid's lives, I despised being a mother and missed out on the joy of all of those milestones and spending the time loving them. You will be so glad that you did this." That definitely gave me some reassurance that it was Ok to admit this problem was plaguing me and I was doing the right thing telling my Dr. And sure enough, I failed the depression test this time and in describing my feelings the Dr told me I had a text book case of post-partum depression.

So I had to establish "me" time again which translated to the gym for me so we worked out a schedule so I could get back there. We started doing regular monthly date nights where we aren't allowed to talk about Milton and money and bills and anything like that, it is a time to focus on us because before Milton there was an us. And of course I was given an anti-depressant to help get my hormones back in check. And it all did work in time.

Making that appointment WAS the single best thing I did for myself and Milton, and even for Mike. He had to sit and watch me completely change and couldn't do anything to fix me. That had to be so difficult for him. I am so lucky to have found him.

Motherhood is an extreme privilege and I am SO happy that I get to be the mother to such a wonderful little boy. He has brightened our world in so many ways, I can't imagine that we had a life without him. To be able to watch him grow and learn and develop his little personality has been completely wonderful. There is nothing else like being a parent, it really is magical sometimes.

I wanted to share my experience with post-partum depression because it is Ok to talk about it and it is Ok to be treated for it. It doesn't make you less of a mom, I think recognizing something isn't right and taking care of it, makes you more of a mom. After all, every little thing you do is ultimately for your kids, even if that means taking the time to care for yourself. If anyone else out there is struggling with post-partum depression, do not be afraid to speak out to your friends and family and make that phone call to the Dr. Also, I found a lot of solace in Brooke Shield's book: Down Came the Rain. There is hope and there is a way out of the depression, you just have to come to realization that you need help, and that it is OK to ask for it.

Now The Work Begins

I had my 6 week post partum check up yesterday. Everything has healed correctly and looks good so I am cleared to do more exercise than just walking. Woohoo! I am actually very excited for this. Over the course of the pregnancy I put on 60 lbs. After the baby was born I just kind of lost 25 lbs in those first two weeks and then kind of steadied out. So now I have 35 lbs to lose to get to pre-pregnancy weight and that is my first goal. Then I think I will like to lose 5 or 10 more pounds after that, but I will worry about that when I get to my first goal. I am hoping to start getting back into the gym today. We can't utilize the on-site daycare the gym has until Milton turns 3 months old. So I have to try to convince Mike to stay home for an hour or so so I can go up there. I don't think he is a fan of us going separately for now but that is what has to be done. I've actually been trying to get up there for the last couple weeks just to walk but he always has something come up that he has to do so I can't go. It has been pretty frustrating actually. I will just keep trying I guess. I am uncomfortable at this weight and am not going to buy any new clothes, I want to fit into the clothes I already have!! I will get there!

Feeding Time

So right now I am locked in our bedroom typing this. Yes, I put myself in here. My husband is currently feeding our son with a bottle. Since he was born I have breastfed him exclusively. There has been frustration and tears on both ends but in the last few weeks we have seemed to get it down to a science. Occasionally Milt will still kind of goof around and wiggle all over the place before getting down to business but this has turned into our special little time. Mike will get up in the middle of the night to sit next to me and help with burping and once in awhile during the day he will sit with us also. But its still special bonding time for us. At Milt's two week appointment, the pediatrician said to introduce a bottle around 4-5 weeks so the baby will be more apt to take it when Mom is away or back to work. When we left the appointment that day Mike proclaimed how excited he was to get to be able to feed the baby. That was the point I realized how special feeding the baby was and have cherished it ever since. Well now that summer is upon us, there are graduation parties and festivals to be had and it would be nice to be able to have the flexibility of bringing some pumped milk and a bottle and be able to be out for more than 3 hours at a time, without having to find a private place to park and feed in the backseat of the Murano. So we decided that Mike would try feeding Milt with the bottle. So that time is now. I started crying! I didn't think I would have this reaction at all! Mike offered to not feed him with the bottle today but I told him that we should probably just see how it goes. So they are sitting out in the living room and I am in here typing this. I think more than anything I am worried that Milton will take to the bottle because it might be less work and then refuse the breast. Then our special little time will be gone. The only reason I say the bottle might be less work is because it might remind him of the nipple shield the hospital gave me the first day I was in there. Number one, it was way too big for his little mouth and number two, I came to find out I didn't even need it. It made him a lazy eater. . .he would let the milk puddle up in the shield and then it would trickle into his mouth until there was enough to swallow and then he would do that. Very little suckling went on when I was using the shield, but lots of swallowing. Hopefully the bottle's nipple does not do damage to the feeding we have already established! I know I should consider myself lucky that I have been able to exclusively breastfeed up until this point with little problem because I know a lot of women for whatever reason or another, cannot do so. Or they have to pump every 2-3 hours to keep their supply up. At least my baby is getting the breast milk, whether its au natural or via bottle. That's the important thing. Well, they just came in here to report the feeding went well and Milton is very sleepy. . .we will see what happens at the next feeding when we go back to me feeding. . .

I'm a Mom!

I finally have some time to write! :) Milton Percy Swanson was born on May 1st at 2:20 P.M. He weighed 6 lbs (take that gestational diabetes, that they decided I didn't really have) and was 19 inches long. He is perfect! On my due date, April 30th, I felt like I still had weeks to go, even tho my Dr had said he wouldn't let me go much beyond April 30th. I actually had an appointment scheduled for May 3rd to have an ultrasound to check the amniotic fluid level and then have a fetal stress test done, and then from there we were going to make a plan for inducing me. Dr. Hirt was absolutely certain that we would not need that appointment, that I would have the baby over the weekend. So that Thursday, the 29th, I was still at 4 cm and he stripped the membranes again and said I was pretty much ready to go, we were just wating on baby. Mike and I decided we would make some plans for that weekend, the 30th was a Friday, and plan on having that baby the first week of May. So that Friday night we did something we haven't done in a long time, went out on a Friday night dinner date. And I'm talking the whole shebang, where we decided to go out to dinner at 7:00 and got to the Cheesecake Factory at 7:30 and were told the wait would be 50 minutes. Our usual 'going out to eat' is getting a Papa Murphy's pizza to bring home so this was a big deal. Dinner was fantastic and we stuffed ourselves and got home and to bed by 11:00. The plan for Saturday, May 1st, was to help Bachmann's celebrate their 125th year anniversary and go get in line for a free tomato plant that they were going to give out to the first 500 people at each location and then go try a McDonald's Mocha Frappe (which I still haven't tried now that I think about it!) and then clear out the gardens the rest of the weekend and get them ready for veggies and flowers. Well the baby foiled that plan! I woke up at 6 AM on Saturday with what I thought was a stomach ache. I went to the bathroom thinking that would relieve the pressure I was feeling and it didn't. I went to the bathroom 2 more times between 6 and 6:30 and nothing changed. I was feeling some pressure and a big stomach ache, but it wasn't a stomach ache. It would be present and then every few minutes it would intensify for a minute or so and then level off. I started timing the intense moments on the stopwatch on my phone and they were about 30-45 seconds. I was having contractions!!!! Finally I could feel them! So I woke Mike up and said there is going to be a baby today. At 7:00 I decided I better hurry up and take a shower and get my hair straightened. To hell with make up but I wanted my hair straight so I could I get it up in a pony if I needed to. The contractions started intensifying. Mike looked like he didn't know what to do. He kept rubbing my back and asking if there was anything else he could do but that was enough, that really helped. Herbie came and sat by me and I could tell that he could tell something was not right, what a sweet doggie. Mike started timing the contractions and they were 2-3 minutes apart and about 30 seconds in length. We probably could have called the Dr at 8:00 but we waited until 8:30. . .we wanted to be sure that once we got the green light to go to the hospital, that we would be able to stay there. We got the OK to go to the hospital and that 15 minute car ride was the most uncomfortable, second only to when my gallbladder attacked and we had a 5 minute car ride from Baja Sol to Dad's to wait for the ambulance, and longest feeling ride. Mike had to use the wheel chair and wheel me into the hospital. It was 9:00 when the nurse in triage checked me and I was at a 5 with a "bulging water sack" and when we walked from the triage to my room, I felt something start to trickle down my leg. They had me use the bathroom and my water broke right into the toilet when I sat down. When I came out and got set up on the bed, I told the nurses and they checked the pad and there was some brown. . .the baby had passed his first bowel movement inside the womb. . .meconium. I felt horrible. I had been worried about meconium most of the pregnancy because I had been quite stressed at certain points, especially at the end. They assured me it would be no big deal, the only thing was that they would do everything in their power NOT to let the baby cry when he came out so they would have a chance to get tubing into him in order to suck out the meconium before he swallowed any of it. By 10:00 I had received my epidural and it was wonderful. The pain of the contractions completely went away. I was pretty much just laying in the hospital bed talking to the nurses and Mike. Mike and I had made a plan long before I even got to the hospital that we would not tell anyone we were at the hospital until after the baby was born. Neither one of us wanted the extra stress of a lot of extra people waiting around for the baby. We did call Emily because she is the Godmother and if I couldn't have my Mom there, Emily was the next best thing. She's been thru a lot with me and I wanted her there. So at 10:30 they checked my cervix again and I was already between a 7 and an 8. This baby was not wasting any time! At 1:05 I started pushing and the baby was born at 2:20 p.m. The whole labor and pushing experience was nothing like I thought it was going to be. I'd been bulking up on episodes of "Teen Mom" and all of those girls made labor/pushing look unberable. The nurses kept telling me that I was having a really fast labor and that I was a strong pusher so maybe that was the difference for me. The whole time from 6 AM to 2:20 PM when he arrived went by so fast. It was surreal when he was finally out and they placed him on my chest for a minute while Mike cut the cord. I have my own baby! Then it was a little nerve racking while they were sucking the meconium out and then when they were finished, the baby did not make a sound. I couldn't see him but I could here one of the nurses going "Come on buddy!" and the look on Emily's face was of sheer worry and then Mike turned around and he was smiling as big as could be so I decided I could not gauge what was going on from those two totally different looks. Later Mike said he could see the baby moving his arms all over so he knew he was OK and from her vantage point, Emily could not. So that explained those looks. After what seemed like forever, this tiny little shriek came out and he was crying! The sound made me cry, it was so small and cute. After we got all done with delivery and got up to our recovery room we started making the phone calls. We just had two visitors on Saturday night which was nice and then we were bombarded on Sunday, and practically everyone showed up all at once. I was exhausted come Monday. The first week home was really rough, I had a really bad case of the baby blues so I couldn't really enjoy anything. I was just really sad and/or irritable. Mike was great and super supportive during that time which really helped. The second week home, Mike was laid off and reduced to on call, commission only work. Which was really bad timing and really good timing all at once. It has been really nice having him home with me and helping me out with things and just giving the three of us a lot of time to bond. These last couple weeks we have been working really hard on establishing a routine and Milton is finally starting to wake himself up during the day when he wants to eat so that is really nice. He still will sleep thru the night, for 8 hours if I let him, but since he's still pretty small (only in the 2nd percentile for weight) I have to wake him up in the middle of the night to eat. Mike usually gets up to help change diapers and burp between breasts so that really helps and makes me feel like I'm not doing it all myself. Hopefully now I will be able to write more often!!!

So Close

My due date is the day after tomorrow. I can't believe I can say that already. I really don't think that anything is going to be happening by that point. I think it is going to come and go uneventfully. Oh well, guess I will probably be a May mom. :) I finally got used to April and now I think its going to be May. I go to the Dr tomorrow for my weekly check up so we'll see what he has to say. I'm interested to see if I have progressed any more. . . I was 4 cm last Wednesday and not having any sorts of pains. . .just a little back pain here and there and some pain in my groin/thigh area but that has since subsided. The baby is still pretty active so he must be having a good ol time in my small cramped uterus. At least I imagine it is small and cramped being I am only 5 feet tall and rather smushed in the middle to begin with! :) I think my brother is pretty excited to be an Uncle. It stinks that he is over in Japan with all of this happening and can't just pop on over for the birth. He is planning on coming home for awhile in July so that will be good, I will be on maternity leave and the baby will be a couple months old. So he'll get some good time in with him. Aaron hasn't been home since we got married in October of 2008 so Mike and I and Dad of course are uber excited to see him. He is just so funny and quirky, I miss having that around all the time. Everyone loves the posts he puts on my Facebook because they are so dang funny. :) Only Aaron. Not much else is going on, my feet are SO swollen that I can't do much of anything when I get home in the evenings so the house is pretty much still a mess. Oh well. Mike and I have big plans to get a lot of stuff done when I will be home all day on leave and he will be still working part time and home in the early afternoon. I think that is why the urgency to get things done has kind of subsided. Hopefully we will both have a little more energy after he is here and we are on a schedule. Today we get to go to a consultation for Mike for a possible sleep study he might be doing. His snoring is out of control and he constantly feels tired, no matter how much sleep he gets. So I am kind of interested to see what they have say today and kind of hope he has to do the overnight sleep study just so we can see if he has borderline sleep apnea. I don't think he does but it is a possibility. So we'll see. Its kind of nice to have something else to be thinking about besides the baby, all either one of us thinks about is what the baby is doing in there and why he doesn't seem to want to come out. Sometimes I think the baby can read our minds and so he is purposefully staying put in there! :)

The Breaking Point

My due date is 3 days away and I finally blew thru all of the frustration I've been having around this pregnancy. Just being at the end and realizing that really any day now, this little baby will come into this world and change everything I have ever known is a little overwhelming and even a little scary at times. Being just a few days shy of 40 weeks pregnant is by no means comfortable. The baby has definitely dropped since the last time I wrote and feels like a beach ball at the bottom of my stomach. He's just hanging out probably super cramped in my small uterus but he's liking it because there are no signs of him coming out any time soon. For the most part I have not been excessively complaining about being pregnant, it is such a gift to be pregnant, much less have a healthy fetus growing, so complaining about being uncomfortable is really pointless for the most part. Anyone who has been pregnant knows what it feels like at this point and anyone who has not, men included, can certainly show some empathy towards those of us in this situation. Being a first time mom I think adds another layer to all of these feelings. In addition to being uncomfortable and just plain wanting to be done and meet my little baby, I am worried about actually caring for this baby, what do I do with this baby?? I have little baby experience and have been told your "mother's instinct" will just kick right in, but there is still some trepidation around that for me. Its a whole new world and it is scary. Am I going to be a good Mom? Will I really know what to do? How will my baby turn out because of what I teach him? And then there is the whole issue of labor. I have no idea what to expect. I don't even know if I've felt a real contraction yet. . .when will my water break? Will it break on its own or at the hospital with assistance? How am I going to make it thru labor? Will the epidural really take the pain away? How bad will the pain even be?? When is this all going to get started?? So there are a LOT of questions running thru my mind right now and inching closer and closer to that due date with no baby is not helping. Certainly being told what I should try to do to induce labor also is not helping. At first it was fun to hear everyone's suggestions but now I have had enough. If the baby goes past the due date, he goes past. That is actually a very realistic option. . .more than half of all babies born go beyond their due date and first time moms especially are more likely to go past. So right there its safe to say I will probably go past. Probably even more so because the Dr was so concerned he would be so small and come so early because of the cord issue, this baby has to prove that wrong also! I've been hearing about how my husband's mother happened to eat White Castle and then go into labor shortly thereafter. I really don't care. I've been hearing about this for probably the last 3 weeks at least. I have politely told my husband's father that I will not be eating any White Castles. I think those things are so disgusting and I'm just not going to do that to myself. But he just keeps on and keeps on and then got Mike's mom to join in. No certain food causes someone to go into labor and its blatant stupidity and ignorance to think certain foods would cause labor. If that were really the case, then there would never be a "late" baby and there would be no need for medical inducement around the 40th week. Its just ridiculous illogical thinking. The baby will come when he is meant to come. No matter what I eat or try to do, I have no say on the matter. The only person that does is the Dr if he decides I need to be induced. Its been absolutely irritating to the nth degree listening about this White Castle garbage. I understand they are probably excited but just lay off. There comes a point where the "trying to help" is no longer helping and is more overwhelming and irritating than anything else. Which is where I am with it now. If you think you are excited, think of how I might feel. I have been growing this baby for 9 months and you don't hear me complaining and asking for every suggestion under the sun to get this guy out. I haven't even asked my Dr if I could be induced. I'd rather have him come out when he is good and ready and healthy rather than come out early and have something be wrong. I can't wait until he is here and the novelty of him wears off for certain people and they just go back to minding their own damn business. There's a reason you are where you are and this child isn't going to change that.

Drop That Head Baby!

It's amazing to look at the little baby ticker and see '8 days'. I am getting really anxious for this little guy to just be born already! I went to the Dr yesterday and at 38 weeks, 5 days, I was almost 4 cm. The Dr was very pleased. We talked about 'stripping the membranes' and he said I was a good candidate since my cervix was very soft so I said that is fine with me. So he did that. Its not a guarantee that active labor will start but can be just the little nudge that my body needs to get things going. After doing that he said all it will take is the baby to drop just a little bit more and put some good pressure on the cervix and things should really get going. Boy do I hope so!!! I have an appointment for next week, the 29th, the day before my due date, but he is still confident the baby will come before then. He said if for some reason he doesn't, then we will talk about having me induced in May. MAY! That sounds so horrible to me, I want him out before May! :) But the Dr did say he wouldn't wait for a whole week beyond my due date to induce so it sounds like it will be at the beginning of that week if we have to go that route. I just think this is all so funny for how concerned they all were that he would be born early in March and at a very small weight because of the two-vessel cord issue. He probably will stay in there until May just to prove everyone wrong. :P The Dr guesstimated that the baby is probably in the 7lb range right about now and is still gaining his little half pound each week. I am also still gaining, I wish that would stop anytime!!! 55 extra pounds on my 5 foot frame is about all the extra I really want to worry about! The only really uncomfortable things that I have to complain about are the massively swollen feet and legs and how absolutely difficult it is to get in and out of bed. Once I lay down, forget it. Other than that, I feel pretty OK. Sometimes tired but for the most part OK. Mike is getting pretty excited for this guy to come too. I'm really hoping once he is here and we are spending money on diapers and all baby necessities, that he will realize the need for a full time job. I know he loves his tow-truck job and the commission money is great when he is on call, but I think I would love it a little better if he was full time during the week, and I could keep my day time work hours. We'll see what happens, it was so hard for him to just find this job over the last almost year that we are grateful he has it. We are in for some definite changes once the baby is born.